Over the years, the paradigm of prime-time television perpetuation has witnessed its fair share of injustices.
The stellar and capaciously assembled cast of Deadwood is forced to prematurely vacate its saloons and brothels after three seasons, while Law & Order is afforded the freedom to change its cast members more often than I change underwear and enjoy a 19-year (and counting) sojourn.
A comedy watershed like Arrested Development has its growth permanently stunted after two and a half seasons while the superfluous evening soap opera ER is allowed to run longer than an incurable case of dysentery.
And now, the spectacular Battlestar Galactica—a show that emanated in 2003 as a “re-imagining” of the schlocky original 1978 series of the same name, and which has since monumentally transcended even its own humbly described beginnings—has culminated after four criminally short seasonal installments.
And while the ubiquitous satisfaction (or lack thereof) that the show’s conclusion may or may not have provided its rabid fan base is subject to debate, what those of us who loved it can all agree on is that it needed to end on its own terms, rather than cruise relentlessly into the void of irrelevance. (Heroes, are you listening?) If there’s one thing we learned from BSG’s four-season run of spiritual exploration, exercises in morality polemics, and ass-kicking space battles is that science fiction can indeed be relevant.
But, as it turns out, that’s not at all the only thing we learned from this culturally defining space opus. And so, as we bid a fond, frakkin’ farewell to cylons, hybrids and that damned confounding arrow of Athena, let’s take a little trip down New Caprica Lane, and review some of the more prevalent lessons BSG indoctrinated, what do you say?
1. I always knew Dylan’s “All Along the Watchtower” had profound meaning lurking beneath its lyrical surface, but whoa, Nelly! Apparently, if you’re just strolling about a Viper hangar, minding your own business, and that song inexplicably plants itself in your brain, it means you’re actually a cylon. Ain’t that a bitch! Makes one wonder if there might be other songs floating around out there that have destiny-altering implications. So the next time you’re out ordering a Gotta-Have-It-sized ice cream treat from Cold Stone Creamery and you start humming the chorus to Queen’s “Radio Ga Ga,” you might want to take pause and re-evaluate your life’s current course.
2. In space, no one can hear you have super-crazy cylon sex with blonde, synthetic super models in your own, equally super-crazy head. Fourteen-year-olds everywhere are now collectively answering, “Astronaut” to their high school guidance counselor’s question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
3. Cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend is bad unless, of course, you’re a cylon and then you can just simply say, “It wasn’t me; it was my clone.’” Philanderers everywhere are now anxiously waiting to vote “yes” on that inevitable bill to include human cloning testing as part of stem cell research.
4. Declaring your love for someone via standing naked in an open field and shouting out said love to the world like some kind of a pre-pubescent, jackass banshee schoolgirl—all the while your paramour is still sitting right there—is the most expedient way to send that person into the arms of another—who she’ll promptly marry. Just play it cool, son. Instead, say something like, “Yeah, baby, you just got served by the CAG, which stands for ‘Captain Awesome Grande.’ How you like me now?”
5. Gender equality can finally be achieved by simply referring to everyone—male or female—as “sir.” (Yes, they could’ve opted for “ma’am” instead, but “sir” is easier to form on the lips; it’s nothing personal.) Hey, Marcie from the Peanuts gang had this figured out years ago, at least with Peppermint Patty. Plus, a second bird with that same stone is slaughtered by finally eliminating pervasive confusion resulting from androgyny. No more uncomfortable moments of going, “Well, which is it, a man or a woman? I’ll be damned if I can tell.”
6. “All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.” OK, so I realize that things like war are cyclical, and that the laws governing human nature are unwavering and we’re all destined (doomed) to repeat history and blah, blah, blah. I get it. But now that we know this to be fact, is there seriously nothing that can be done preemptively to ensure we don’t have to tolerate future rounds of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila?
7. Should you ever illegally commandeer the Office of President only to find you don’t receive the necessary assent from members of the Senate, having them all gunned down at point blank range doesn’t bode well for your re-election possibilities. No one likes their president to be a petulant little hothead, plus your opponent is bound to bring up the incident at the first presidential debate.
8. An evening at the opera house—either real or imagined—has too grave a potential for ending in senseless bloodshed and chaos. I knew it! This is why I never saw “Cats.”
By your command, BSG. I’ll miss you.
So say we all.
Todd Guill is not ashamed to admit that he spent many a Friday night watching Battlestar Galactica. He is ashamed, however, that on one of those very same nights, he spent 10 minutes watching Ghost Whisperer.
Supernatural Seasons 1-4 DVD Box Set $43.99~!
没有评论:
发表评论